Keeping the Bitch Happy: A Guideline to Keeping a Smile on Your Gay Man.

Well it has been about a month and a half since I moved in with Matt. Despite what you might take out of his, "I'm so gay that I am on the rag everyday of the year blog", our living situation is doing pretty well. We just signed a year lease, so I guess despite my best efforts, I passed. And this entry is going to explain how I did just that.

Disclaimer: Again I feel the need to warn readers right now that this entry will have nothing to do with sports. Gay people should stop reading now. Also any sensitive women should cease and desist. Especially bird keeping women. I do not want your opinion of me getting any lower than it already is.

About three weeks after the move, I realized something about the living situation between myself and Matt. There were certain signs that I was seeing and some of them very disturbing. Matt and I were in a relationship. A non-sexual, male life partner relationship. And if you know anything about my previous relationships, I have a lot of experience in this kind of relationship....the non-sexual part anyway. Jesse's sad history aside, after realizing this, I knew I could totally manipulate Matt into doing pretty much whatever I wanted while still letting him think he had the power in the relationship. Vintage Jesse. So here are some tips to keeping a gay bitch in check. Also useful with almost all women. (if you women have not stopped reading yet just remember I warned you and now it is on you)

1. Flattery. Like with all women, apple-shaped rectum rangers like and need to be complimented. Because exactly like with women, even if the Nathan Lane wannabe knows youre being fake, he will still love it and instantly feel better about himself.   Heres an example I could use on a woman, “Dynamite hair today Vanessa BTW.  I really like your ear warmer....” or “Rhonda that jacket is awesome. Killer boots man!!”   Now Vanessa doesnt even remember that I didnt wanna eat her nasty ass lasagna or watch the musical which surely made Ernest Hemingway lose faith in humanity and put a shotgun in his mouth.  And Rhonda buys me beer and offers to pick up some whiskey for me. Gullibility is the curse of the female/gay gender. I use little pet names on Matt like “Daddy” and tell him things like “your cooking is so crazy good. My mom loved that cake you made her.” Like hes not gonna cook something for me right after he hears that. And no my mom couldnt choke down what can only be called “cardboard cake” that Matt thinks she loved. I know you love some Harry Ballsagna Matt, but leave the baking to the barefoot and pregnant women. They know their place, I am slowly teaching you yours.
2. Shiny things. This one is easy if youre trying to please a beer guzzling, cumdumpster. I randomly buy him a 30 pack of silver bullets and he is so taken by the gesture that he gets a little half woody and totally forgets that we are totally no where near even. “Well I'm just gonna do something knice for you”.....Douche...
3. TV privileges. Now read carefully men. This is a tricky topic. This takes some real self-loathing and patience to pull this off. Lucky for me, I have perfected this. It is all about trickery and deceit. If you pull it off right, youll have your show on the living room tv, the game on your tv in your room and the hemroid hitman making you some chinese chicken and rice in the kitchen. First and foremost, keep the remote in your hand. Once his puffy fingers touch the remote, youre doomed to die in a housewife/bridezilla hell. This is enough for most poop chuters. They like to be taken care of and told what to do. My gay man is a little too moody for this to work all the time so there is one more strategy. This is where the self-loathing comes into play. Youre going to have to turn to one of these fagtool shows that the woman wants. And you might have to watch more than you can handle. Here is where the gay man's fatal flaw presents itself. Most rump rammers are nurturers by nature and on top of that, they try to out woman, women. With a couple of logical scoffs and one liners, Richard Simmons' need to please will come out and you can watch big bang theory all night while he compliments Sheldon Cooper's clothing. Gawd what a flamer.

I hope these tips will get the man in your life in check and keep the smile on his Pillsbury doughboy face. Silly faggot, decisions are for men...

Out.