Rhonda Douchette...or whatever:

An Impartial Observer...I guess

Disclaimer: Everything in this entry was written by Rhonda, a fellow zookeeper who frequents our apartment because....well I do not know why. Probably because she is lame. Enjoy.

You have read “manly confessions”. You have read “haus sport facts”. Somewhere in between is the truth. And here it is...

Let me explain my role in this fiasco. Matt was my friend first. But then I met Jesse and traded up. Until I got to know Vanessa- at which point Jesse was demoted to #2...much like how my favorite beverage was Busch beer...until I discovered Sam Adams. Anyway, I spend a lot of time with these numb nuts. Needless to say I know them both very well- probably better then they know themselves. The key to having a successful relationship with both simultaneously is selective hearing. My earballs simply cant handle all the nonsense. To give you an example, as I am writing this Matt sashays over to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out an empty Coke box. Why would anyone hog refrigerator space with an empty Coke box? Jesse. What other single man would care? Matt. These two have enough issues to make even Dr. Phil's head hurt. Two words can describe both of them...overcompensation.

Matt says some really harsh shit about Jesse. What you may not know is that he says harsh shit about everyone. He hands out insults to his friends like a pedophile hands out candy on halloween. Its just who is he is. By publicly outing everyone's faults, he keeps his own faults out of the spotlight- or so he thinks. The bottom line is most of us just don't care about Matt's faults, so he is just wasting time when he could be doing something constructive , like applying self tanner to his calves to diminish that retarded rubber boot tan-line he's got going on.

And then we have Jesse. Jesse is totally overcompensating his heterosexualness. At the risk of someone, ANYONE questioning his heteroness because of this domestic partnership he peppers every conversation he has with “banging chicks”. He talks about it so much that Matt has taken it upon himself to pimp Jesse out to some lucky lady. This is just crazy. Matt knows about as much on what straight women want as Corky from life goes on does.

Together, these two are as magical as a trainwreck. Regular terms one can hear at any given moment from these fucktards are as follows...”Daddy”, “Love you”, “Hi Boo”, and “I need another drink”. And while we are on the topic of drinking...this apartment has single handedly saved no less than 13 people from alcohol poisoning. How? Because they drink so much that there is none left for anyone else.

And the fighting...oh my god, the fighting. Some of it is enertaining. Like Matt throwing Jesse's bowling trophy over the balcony because Jesse disobeyed one of Matt's house rules and wore his slanket outside of the bedroom when company was over. “I warned you Jesse!!!”...boom...over the side it goes. Some of it is bizarre- like why is there chocolate cake all over the kitchen floor? And some of it is just plain awkward- like “FUCK YOU-WE ARE DONE! DONE! I HOPE YOU DIE!” oh wait, that was Joey, not Jesse...but you get the idea.

So which blog do we believe? The bottom line is that both blogs are exaggerated to the point that they are bordering delusional. Except for Jesse and his obnoxious TV habits. Every bit of that shit is true.

Matt McHale

Nice Person or the Nicest Person on the Earth?

Yes I meant to word the title like that. Bear with me. I wanted to write an entry about why Matt is so awesome because he has accidentally said some knice stuff about me so I figured turnabout is fair play. I also wanted to say some knice things about the random female bird keepers that may have been collateral damage in my Matt bashing. I may have said one or two or twenty seven bad things about them.

I came up with the title to this entry when I started thinking about the kind of person Matt is. He is uncommonly kind. Like really fucking kind. Like to a fault. Like young Anakin Skywalker, he gives with no thought receiving anything in return. I did not realize any of this until I moved in with him because of the reputation that you zooclowns gave him. He just bought me four frakkin bottles of whiskey. I could sit here and list other knice stuff he has done but it would take too long and I do not want to lose Christy's attention. Calm down Christy...SQUIRREL!!!

Another thing about him is that he will never refuse when asked to help. Not only at work, in the month and a half I have lived with him, he has lent assistance to me and his family at least 20 times. Whether it is letting me have the gate card or helping me move into the apt. Whether it is making me a dessert dish to bring to my friends or giving his douche brother money to buy Christmas presents. One person I can now count on in my life is Matt.

Now I know you are all thinking, “Ya Jesse but he bitches about everything and is fake as shit.” All I can say is that fake or not, at some point he is just a knice guy. Only knice guys do things that they do not want to do, which leads me to random female bird keepers who I let amuse me. This is not an apology. I meant everything I said and I would say it again. And I will. Rhonda is awesome as hell. She is always down to hang out. She actually came to watch me bowl when no one else would...douches. And no matter the occasion, bitch is fly. Like WTF? Were at IHOP. Tone it down...but dont. And talk about a shoulder on which to cry....if anyone wanted to do that cause I dont have time to cuz I am an awesome hairy man who is in like 10 fight clubs while killing animals with my “bear” hands...and my shirt of red, pulled over my head. Speaking of red, Vanessa WTF?!?! She is totally not huge at all. And whoever would say something like that would have to be the most gigantic douchedick on the earth. She's so awesome that I hate hanging out with her. Clever jokes? Funny jokes? Ability to eat ham? Vanessa 3-Jesse 0. She made Jesse Italian food and likes musicals??? Stop. And that smile along those beautiful blues are so fucking sweet that I swear I am going to get diabetes just thinking about them...along with the over-eating alcoholism. Gawd!! Stop distracting me!!! I am trying to play angry birds and check out Matt's ass.

Ok this entry really hurt to write. The next one is sure to be riddled with hatred and anger.

I hate you all,

Love Jesse.

Out.

Keeping the Bitch Happy: A Guideline to Keeping a Smile on Your Gay Man.

Well it has been about a month and a half since I moved in with Matt. Despite what you might take out of his, "I'm so gay that I am on the rag everyday of the year blog", our living situation is doing pretty well. We just signed a year lease, so I guess despite my best efforts, I passed. And this entry is going to explain how I did just that.

Disclaimer: Again I feel the need to warn readers right now that this entry will have nothing to do with sports. Gay people should stop reading now. Also any sensitive women should cease and desist. Especially bird keeping women. I do not want your opinion of me getting any lower than it already is.

About three weeks after the move, I realized something about the living situation between myself and Matt. There were certain signs that I was seeing and some of them very disturbing. Matt and I were in a relationship. A non-sexual, male life partner relationship. And if you know anything about my previous relationships, I have a lot of experience in this kind of relationship....the non-sexual part anyway. Jesse's sad history aside, after realizing this, I knew I could totally manipulate Matt into doing pretty much whatever I wanted while still letting him think he had the power in the relationship. Vintage Jesse. So here are some tips to keeping a gay bitch in check. Also useful with almost all women. (if you women have not stopped reading yet just remember I warned you and now it is on you)

1. Flattery. Like with all women, apple-shaped rectum rangers like and need to be complimented. Because exactly like with women, even if the Nathan Lane wannabe knows youre being fake, he will still love it and instantly feel better about himself.   Heres an example I could use on a woman, “Dynamite hair today Vanessa BTW.  I really like your ear warmer....” or “Rhonda that jacket is awesome. Killer boots man!!”   Now Vanessa doesnt even remember that I didnt wanna eat her nasty ass lasagna or watch the musical which surely made Ernest Hemingway lose faith in humanity and put a shotgun in his mouth.  And Rhonda buys me beer and offers to pick up some whiskey for me. Gullibility is the curse of the female/gay gender. I use little pet names on Matt like “Daddy” and tell him things like “your cooking is so crazy good. My mom loved that cake you made her.” Like hes not gonna cook something for me right after he hears that. And no my mom couldnt choke down what can only be called “cardboard cake” that Matt thinks she loved. I know you love some Harry Ballsagna Matt, but leave the baking to the barefoot and pregnant women. They know their place, I am slowly teaching you yours.
2. Shiny things. This one is easy if youre trying to please a beer guzzling, cumdumpster. I randomly buy him a 30 pack of silver bullets and he is so taken by the gesture that he gets a little half woody and totally forgets that we are totally no where near even. “Well I'm just gonna do something knice for you”.....Douche...
3. TV privileges. Now read carefully men. This is a tricky topic. This takes some real self-loathing and patience to pull this off. Lucky for me, I have perfected this. It is all about trickery and deceit. If you pull it off right, youll have your show on the living room tv, the game on your tv in your room and the hemroid hitman making you some chinese chicken and rice in the kitchen. First and foremost, keep the remote in your hand. Once his puffy fingers touch the remote, youre doomed to die in a housewife/bridezilla hell. This is enough for most poop chuters. They like to be taken care of and told what to do. My gay man is a little too moody for this to work all the time so there is one more strategy. This is where the self-loathing comes into play. Youre going to have to turn to one of these fagtool shows that the woman wants. And you might have to watch more than you can handle. Here is where the gay man's fatal flaw presents itself. Most rump rammers are nurturers by nature and on top of that, they try to out woman, women. With a couple of logical scoffs and one liners, Richard Simmons' need to please will come out and you can watch big bang theory all night while he compliments Sheldon Cooper's clothing. Gawd what a flamer.

I hope these tips will get the man in your life in check and keep the smile on his Pillsbury doughboy face. Silly faggot, decisions are for men...

Out.

Honestly??? Honestly...

What really happens in the Matt/Jesse household.

Disclaimer: The following entry has way too much vulgarity. Like to my family members, please cease and desist now. You will think less of me...are you still reading this?? The zoo is a cutthroat place and this is what I have to do to survive. The word-squeamish need not read. Reader discretion is advised.

Ok let me start by apologizing to anyone who thought this was going to have some strong/awesome/almost always correct sports opinions. As you may know, my new gay-as-fuck roommate started this stupid ass blog in which he passive-aggressively bashes everything I do and he thinks it's so fucking funny...fagtool. Some of my coworkers wanted me to start writing counterpoint blog entries so they would know what really happens and not what that fatfuck says happens. So daddy is going to give you hungry, baby birdies what you want. But just a little bit. You're welcome.

I thought I would start by asking myself the same questions that Matt asked himself in his first entry, “11 days before the move” on his blog, Manlyconfessions.blogspot.com

Why Matt?

Why the fuck not? I would have moved in with anyone because I need to save some fucking money to support my life addiction.

Do you think you will get sick of him or vice versa?

Yes.

Is Rhonda's relationship with you and her friendship with Matt gonna be weird?

I do not think so. He wont mind having her over for two and a half minutes at a time. Besides, Ill send her on her way afterwards with what appears to be “teardrops” all over her back.

Are you worried about sweating on Matt's furniture or appliances?

Not at all. That ass-pirate will probably save all the sweat in a container labeled, “Eau de Jesse: For the man who wants to smell like the most hardcore awesome motherfucker on the Earth, Jesse Thomas Santee III Esq.”, and pour the sweat all over his body while using his Sybian as he writhes in pleasurepain.

Are you going to fall for Matt's gay charms?

Well he does have pretty eyes and a sexy way about him. But if I can keep his disgusting, apple-shaped body and the overwhelming desire I have to not be buttfucked in the back of my head, I should be good.

What if the Texans and the Steelers are playing at the same time?

Well they played each other in Week 3, so I guess Ill do the same thing the Texans did to the Steelers that day...Ill put my dick in his mouth and put him in his overrated place while I watch the Texans.

He does not drink whiskey...are you concerned?

Hell no. He wont touch my shit and I wont touch his...unless I want to.

Since you guys are obviously the most fun people at the zoo, are you going to just hangout with each other and not include us?

Well Matt is the bitch who hates everybody and its kind of his place so I guess its up to him. But I dont give a shit who comes over as long as you dont drink all my whiskey, puke on and around my toilet and takeover my bed leaving me to fend for myself in the living room and the fart chair...definitely dont do that...you know who you are...

What are those noises coming from his room?

That is the sound of balls slapping chin...or other balls I guess...(god damn thats fucking sick. You're a sick fuck Matt)

If you have anymore questions or concerns, feel free to blow it out your ass.

Sincerely Yours,

Jesse

NFL Week 5: Tom Brady's Redemption

Ok guys. I can admit when I am wrong. Last week something happened that will never happen again. Haus bet against the Godking Tom Brady. Never, ever again. Forgive me Tom. I was wrong to despair. We went 3-2 last week because of my despair and my overconfidence in my Aggies in a big game. That makes us 12-8 and this week 5 have manned down and picked 4 favorites. Also, how about we celebrate Thrash getting his first when by picking the Colts. Colts?? Only from Thrash.

New Orleans (-6½) at Carolina

Stop it Cam Newton people. This is Drew the fuck Brees. Just stop.

Saints roll 37-20.

New England (-7) hosting NYJ

Forgive me Tom. From now until my death, I am your man. And I would like to apologize to all Jet fans. Hurricane Brady is my fault. Cromartie keep talking your shit. New England is going to score the high point total of the year in this game.

Pats all over the Jets, 52-30.

San Diego (-3½) at Denver

I am sure that is a misprint on betus.com. Hell I will take that all day.

Bolts 27-21.

Green Bay (-5½) at Atlanta

We all remember what happened last year in the playoffs. I am done on the Falcons this year. They do not look like the team they were last year and my boy Aaron ends their misery this Sunday.

Pack over the Falcons, 38-25.

Chicago (+5) at Detroit

Do not fret Lions fans. Ya boy Haus still loves the Lions all year. The fact of the matter is that the Bears can D up and with Matt Forte playing like he is, I think he will neutralize Suh and Fairley. The Lions have not played on Monday night since 1927. They are young. They will press. And they will lose this game outright.

Bears 24-21 over Detroit.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.

Be careful people. This has not yet happened this year. Thrash and Haus agreeing on a game??? Take that shit to the damn bank.

New England (-7) vs New York

The jets have been lucky so far, so the Patriots are looking to give them the business after they were tainted by the Bills last week.

Brady 31 Ryan 9

Suck it, Rex

2011 NFL Week 4

Who wants some winners????

GO!!!

Anyone who said they took the Bills over the Pats last week lies. All lies. We went 2-3 and are now 9-6 on the season. I have a couple dawgs this week and one super homer college game. WHOOP!!!! And of course Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week. Thrash is just as awesome as Carl at picking winners. 0-3 so sad...LOL. GO!!!

Detroit (+2) at Dallas

Are you freaking kidding me?? Look we all know Haus' disdain for anything Dallas, but stop it America. They have not been good since Michael Irvin got knocked the shit out and left the team. Are you really psyched about a team that kicked 6 field goals against the Redskins? I mean come on. The Lions D-Line is going to (and I do not like to curse and get vulgar online too often but the Cowboys bring it out of me) fuck Tony Romo up. Ndamukong Suh is going to rip his lung out of his chest through that flak jacket and eat it write there on the field. Soon after, the rest of the Cowboys, save for Martellus Bennet and Stephen McGee, are going to service him in any way he sees fit. And all the while, MY BOY Megatron Johnson well be getting every woman in JerryWorld pregnant with only one load. This manufactured respect the Cowboys get has got to stop. And the Lions are going to be the ones to do it.

The Lions will be shitting out Cowboy carcasses during lunch on Monday, so lay the points and take the Lions, 550,000,000-23.....yes......really.....Mother of God.

New Orleans (-7) at Jacksonville

Never ever ever again will I bet against Drew Brees. 7 is not enough in this game. I am not even sure who the Jags QB is. Blow....wait for it....out.\

Saints cover easily, 37-21.

Green Bay (-12) vs. Denver

Green Bay is 3-0. Aaron Rodgers has picked up right where he left off. Do not get me wrong, I love the fightin' Von Millers', but no. Stop it.

Packers roll, 42-25.

Oakland (+5) vs. New England

Everyone knows how I feel about Tom Brady. Let's face it. He is a gorgeous man. He had a bad game against the Bills last week. He went and cut his hair. New and improved. The Pats win this game late on his glorious shoulders. Despite his greatness, I might pick against the Pats for awhile ATS because of their defense. The Raiders are legit and McFadden is showing why should have won the Heisman in 2009.

McFadden goes off in a loss, but the Raiders cover, 36-32.

NCAA Football

Texas A&M (-2½) vs. Arkansas

This game is in here because my boy Richie is talking some mad shit. Hey Rookie, this is the wrong year to talk some anit-aggie shit. Last week, A&M blew a 17 point halftime dominating lead. Not again. Never again. At least this year. Ags will have double digit wins this year and this game is one of them. Arkansas is overrated at QB. And I know Alabama has a sick D, but the Hogs only rushed for 17 yards last week. Not good enough. Tannehill and Fuller bounce back big this week and the Wreckin' Crew will do what it does.

Aggies crush Arkansas, 38-25.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week...

Colts (+10) at Tampa Bay

The Colts D finally steps up and stymies the unsuspecting Bucs. Colts keep their monday night streak alive without Manning...either that or the Bucs embarrass the shit out of the Colts.

Colts win outright, 20-17.

NFL Winners Week 3

Bet Your Haus!!!

Ok well we ended up going 3-2 last week thanks to Ryan Fitzpatrick channeling his inner Frank Reich against the Raiders and that makes us 7-3 on the year. So now we have week 3 upon us and ya boy, Haus likes 4 dawgs and Thrash is getting crazy in the NFC North. Only here will you get stones of that size ATS. Count it!!!

P.S. I did not bet against the Colts this week like promised.

San Francisco (+2½) over Cincinnati

I have liked the way Carlos' boy Alex Smith has looked these first two weeks. Managing the game like a 4^thround pick instead of losing the game like a first overall pick bust that people claim he is. The Bengals are bad. The Bengals are young. And evidently, every one of them is high. DAMN!!!! Frank Gore and the D give the Niners the win.

Take San Fran and lay the points, 23-20.

New England (-7) over Buffalo

I know I just compared Ryan Fitzpatrick to Frank Reich. Frank Reich was good once....in one half...against the baby blue Oilers. ESPN Classic reminds us once a week. WE GET IT!!! HOUSTON CHOKED!!!! STOP MAKING US RELIVE IT!!!! Fitzpatrick is to Reich like Brady is to Montana.

Patriots 33-23 over the Bills.

Houston (+4) over New Orleans

We all know I am from Houston. That D has looked amazing against two bad offenses. The offense is what it is. Maybe if Arian Foster was 100%, I would like them to win, but I am going to stick with my preseason thoughts of this game. Drew Brees will be Drew Brees. That defense gives after Schuab late in the dome and hold off a Texans rally.

Texans lose but cover, 30-28.

Oakland (+3) at home over New York (J)

Well the Jets cannot win every week. Everyone slips up. Nick Mangold is out. The Raiders D-Line is crazy and the Raiders can really run it. All that being said, I like the Raiders to win this game outright for no other reason that the Jets have to travel across country.

Low scoring Raiders win, 21-17.

Atlanta (1½) over Tampa Bay

Give me Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez getting points and I am going to take those points almost every time. I do not think the Bucs are quite there yet and this is supposed to be Ryan's breakout year. The Falcons cannot afford to go 1-2 to start the year after losing to the Bears in week one.

Falcons pull away late, 33-21.

And now for Thrash's, “Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.”

Detroit (-3½) at Minnesota

Look for McNabb to find his game and for Peterson to do what he does best... Crush puny humans!!

Minnesota upsets Detroit 24-10.....cuz Carl told me so...