Honestly??? Honestly...

What really happens in the Matt/Jesse household.

Disclaimer: The following entry has way too much vulgarity. Like to my family members, please cease and desist now. You will think less of me...are you still reading this?? The zoo is a cutthroat place and this is what I have to do to survive. The word-squeamish need not read. Reader discretion is advised.

Ok let me start by apologizing to anyone who thought this was going to have some strong/awesome/almost always correct sports opinions. As you may know, my new gay-as-fuck roommate started this stupid ass blog in which he passive-aggressively bashes everything I do and he thinks it's so fucking funny...fagtool. Some of my coworkers wanted me to start writing counterpoint blog entries so they would know what really happens and not what that fatfuck says happens. So daddy is going to give you hungry, baby birdies what you want. But just a little bit. You're welcome.

I thought I would start by asking myself the same questions that Matt asked himself in his first entry, “11 days before the move” on his blog, Manlyconfessions.blogspot.com

Why Matt?

Why the fuck not? I would have moved in with anyone because I need to save some fucking money to support my life addiction.

Do you think you will get sick of him or vice versa?

Yes.

Is Rhonda's relationship with you and her friendship with Matt gonna be weird?

I do not think so. He wont mind having her over for two and a half minutes at a time. Besides, Ill send her on her way afterwards with what appears to be “teardrops” all over her back.

Are you worried about sweating on Matt's furniture or appliances?

Not at all. That ass-pirate will probably save all the sweat in a container labeled, “Eau de Jesse: For the man who wants to smell like the most hardcore awesome motherfucker on the Earth, Jesse Thomas Santee III Esq.”, and pour the sweat all over his body while using his Sybian as he writhes in pleasurepain.

Are you going to fall for Matt's gay charms?

Well he does have pretty eyes and a sexy way about him. But if I can keep his disgusting, apple-shaped body and the overwhelming desire I have to not be buttfucked in the back of my head, I should be good.

What if the Texans and the Steelers are playing at the same time?

Well they played each other in Week 3, so I guess Ill do the same thing the Texans did to the Steelers that day...Ill put my dick in his mouth and put him in his overrated place while I watch the Texans.

He does not drink whiskey...are you concerned?

Hell no. He wont touch my shit and I wont touch his...unless I want to.

Since you guys are obviously the most fun people at the zoo, are you going to just hangout with each other and not include us?

Well Matt is the bitch who hates everybody and its kind of his place so I guess its up to him. But I dont give a shit who comes over as long as you dont drink all my whiskey, puke on and around my toilet and takeover my bed leaving me to fend for myself in the living room and the fart chair...definitely dont do that...you know who you are...

What are those noises coming from his room?

That is the sound of balls slapping chin...or other balls I guess...(god damn thats fucking sick. You're a sick fuck Matt)

If you have anymore questions or concerns, feel free to blow it out your ass.

Sincerely Yours,

Jesse

NFL Week 5: Tom Brady's Redemption

Ok guys. I can admit when I am wrong. Last week something happened that will never happen again. Haus bet against the Godking Tom Brady. Never, ever again. Forgive me Tom. I was wrong to despair. We went 3-2 last week because of my despair and my overconfidence in my Aggies in a big game. That makes us 12-8 and this week 5 have manned down and picked 4 favorites. Also, how about we celebrate Thrash getting his first when by picking the Colts. Colts?? Only from Thrash.

New Orleans (-6½) at Carolina

Stop it Cam Newton people. This is Drew the fuck Brees. Just stop.

Saints roll 37-20.

New England (-7) hosting NYJ

Forgive me Tom. From now until my death, I am your man. And I would like to apologize to all Jet fans. Hurricane Brady is my fault. Cromartie keep talking your shit. New England is going to score the high point total of the year in this game.

Pats all over the Jets, 52-30.

San Diego (-3½) at Denver

I am sure that is a misprint on betus.com. Hell I will take that all day.

Bolts 27-21.

Green Bay (-5½) at Atlanta

We all remember what happened last year in the playoffs. I am done on the Falcons this year. They do not look like the team they were last year and my boy Aaron ends their misery this Sunday.

Pack over the Falcons, 38-25.

Chicago (+5) at Detroit

Do not fret Lions fans. Ya boy Haus still loves the Lions all year. The fact of the matter is that the Bears can D up and with Matt Forte playing like he is, I think he will neutralize Suh and Fairley. The Lions have not played on Monday night since 1927. They are young. They will press. And they will lose this game outright.

Bears 24-21 over Detroit.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.

Be careful people. This has not yet happened this year. Thrash and Haus agreeing on a game??? Take that shit to the damn bank.

New England (-7) vs New York

The jets have been lucky so far, so the Patriots are looking to give them the business after they were tainted by the Bills last week.

Brady 31 Ryan 9

Suck it, Rex

2011 NFL Week 4

Who wants some winners????

GO!!!

Anyone who said they took the Bills over the Pats last week lies. All lies. We went 2-3 and are now 9-6 on the season. I have a couple dawgs this week and one super homer college game. WHOOP!!!! And of course Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week. Thrash is just as awesome as Carl at picking winners. 0-3 so sad...LOL. GO!!!

Detroit (+2) at Dallas

Are you freaking kidding me?? Look we all know Haus' disdain for anything Dallas, but stop it America. They have not been good since Michael Irvin got knocked the shit out and left the team. Are you really psyched about a team that kicked 6 field goals against the Redskins? I mean come on. The Lions D-Line is going to (and I do not like to curse and get vulgar online too often but the Cowboys bring it out of me) fuck Tony Romo up. Ndamukong Suh is going to rip his lung out of his chest through that flak jacket and eat it write there on the field. Soon after, the rest of the Cowboys, save for Martellus Bennet and Stephen McGee, are going to service him in any way he sees fit. And all the while, MY BOY Megatron Johnson well be getting every woman in JerryWorld pregnant with only one load. This manufactured respect the Cowboys get has got to stop. And the Lions are going to be the ones to do it.

The Lions will be shitting out Cowboy carcasses during lunch on Monday, so lay the points and take the Lions, 550,000,000-23.....yes......really.....Mother of God.

New Orleans (-7) at Jacksonville

Never ever ever again will I bet against Drew Brees. 7 is not enough in this game. I am not even sure who the Jags QB is. Blow....wait for it....out.\

Saints cover easily, 37-21.

Green Bay (-12) vs. Denver

Green Bay is 3-0. Aaron Rodgers has picked up right where he left off. Do not get me wrong, I love the fightin' Von Millers', but no. Stop it.

Packers roll, 42-25.

Oakland (+5) vs. New England

Everyone knows how I feel about Tom Brady. Let's face it. He is a gorgeous man. He had a bad game against the Bills last week. He went and cut his hair. New and improved. The Pats win this game late on his glorious shoulders. Despite his greatness, I might pick against the Pats for awhile ATS because of their defense. The Raiders are legit and McFadden is showing why should have won the Heisman in 2009.

McFadden goes off in a loss, but the Raiders cover, 36-32.

NCAA Football

Texas A&M (-2½) vs. Arkansas

This game is in here because my boy Richie is talking some mad shit. Hey Rookie, this is the wrong year to talk some anit-aggie shit. Last week, A&M blew a 17 point halftime dominating lead. Not again. Never again. At least this year. Ags will have double digit wins this year and this game is one of them. Arkansas is overrated at QB. And I know Alabama has a sick D, but the Hogs only rushed for 17 yards last week. Not good enough. Tannehill and Fuller bounce back big this week and the Wreckin' Crew will do what it does.

Aggies crush Arkansas, 38-25.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week...

Colts (+10) at Tampa Bay

The Colts D finally steps up and stymies the unsuspecting Bucs. Colts keep their monday night streak alive without Manning...either that or the Bucs embarrass the shit out of the Colts.

Colts win outright, 20-17.

NFL Winners Week 3

Bet Your Haus!!!

Ok well we ended up going 3-2 last week thanks to Ryan Fitzpatrick channeling his inner Frank Reich against the Raiders and that makes us 7-3 on the year. So now we have week 3 upon us and ya boy, Haus likes 4 dawgs and Thrash is getting crazy in the NFC North. Only here will you get stones of that size ATS. Count it!!!

P.S. I did not bet against the Colts this week like promised.

San Francisco (+2½) over Cincinnati

I have liked the way Carlos' boy Alex Smith has looked these first two weeks. Managing the game like a 4^thround pick instead of losing the game like a first overall pick bust that people claim he is. The Bengals are bad. The Bengals are young. And evidently, every one of them is high. DAMN!!!! Frank Gore and the D give the Niners the win.

Take San Fran and lay the points, 23-20.

New England (-7) over Buffalo

I know I just compared Ryan Fitzpatrick to Frank Reich. Frank Reich was good once....in one half...against the baby blue Oilers. ESPN Classic reminds us once a week. WE GET IT!!! HOUSTON CHOKED!!!! STOP MAKING US RELIVE IT!!!! Fitzpatrick is to Reich like Brady is to Montana.

Patriots 33-23 over the Bills.

Houston (+4) over New Orleans

We all know I am from Houston. That D has looked amazing against two bad offenses. The offense is what it is. Maybe if Arian Foster was 100%, I would like them to win, but I am going to stick with my preseason thoughts of this game. Drew Brees will be Drew Brees. That defense gives after Schuab late in the dome and hold off a Texans rally.

Texans lose but cover, 30-28.

Oakland (+3) at home over New York (J)

Well the Jets cannot win every week. Everyone slips up. Nick Mangold is out. The Raiders D-Line is crazy and the Raiders can really run it. All that being said, I like the Raiders to win this game outright for no other reason that the Jets have to travel across country.

Low scoring Raiders win, 21-17.

Atlanta (1½) over Tampa Bay

Give me Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez getting points and I am going to take those points almost every time. I do not think the Bucs are quite there yet and this is supposed to be Ryan's breakout year. The Falcons cannot afford to go 1-2 to start the year after losing to the Bears in week one.

Falcons pull away late, 33-21.

And now for Thrash's, “Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.”

Detroit (-3½) at Minnesota

Look for McNabb to find his game and for Peterson to do what he does best... Crush puny humans!!

Minnesota upsets Detroit 24-10.....cuz Carl told me so...

NFL Week 2 Winners

Trust ya boy people!! 4-1 last week and it is only going to get better. Trust me. I am fat and lazy. What more could you want?? I have 2 underdogs for you guys this week and I have a new extra pick for you that is guaranteed to amuse and underwhelm you....”Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week”, stolen from Carl of course. Enough of our well-thought out jabbering. Sell the Haus on these picks.

Buffalo (-3) vs. Oakland

I am only taking Buffalo because Oakland is on a short week and traveling across country to play at noon. While I think both teams are better this year, they are still bad. 3 points is not enough for Oakland to overcome the stress of their situation in week 2.

The Bills cover, 30-20.

Baltimore (-6) at Tennessee

Well, Baltimore just finished blowing out a very good Steelers team. Their defense will make Matt Hasselbeck wish he was still in Seattle. The Titans are very bad and I cannot believe this number is so low.

The Ravens cruise, 34-14.

Seattle (+14) at Pittsburgh

Yes I just realized that I just finished bashing the Seahawks and defending the Steelers in my previous pick. I am not saying the Steelers will lose, but this is the NFL, not college. 14 is too many points almost always, save for the God-King that is Tom Brady.

Seahawks lose but only by ten, 28-18.

Tampa Bay (+3) at Minnesota

Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards last week. AP is still the man in Minnesota and Tampa Bay knows that. Peterson will still get his but thats not enough to cover 3 points.

Take Tampa and lay the points, 24-20.

Cleveland (-2) at Indy

Cleveland as they stand right now has a good football team. The Colts with Peyton Manning are formidable. The Colts minus Manning are, how can I put this delicately, dzizczkzszhzizt. (Just remove the “z's”) I will try not to pick against the Colts every week without Peyton, but there are a lot of crap games this week.

Browns cover, 21-13.

And now it is time for, “Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.” If any of you know Daniel Thrash, you know that he lives to make me miserable. That is his purpose. That purpose created him, it guides him, it drives him, defines him, it is that purpose that binds him. Without me, he cannot exist. Also he thinks he knows a lot about football like me and he too, will look like Carl in 20 years. Here is his pick for NFL 2011 Week 2.

Philadelphia at Atlanta (+2)

The spread has this game to be a close one, but the Eagles defense is pretty stout and their offense is very explosive. Eagles take this one early.

31-13 Philadelphia. Lock it up people.