Rhonda Douchette...or whatever:

An Impartial Observer...I guess

Disclaimer: Everything in this entry was written by Rhonda, a fellow zookeeper who frequents our apartment because....well I do not know why. Probably because she is lame. Enjoy.

You have read “manly confessions”. You have read “haus sport facts”. Somewhere in between is the truth. And here it is...

Let me explain my role in this fiasco. Matt was my friend first. But then I met Jesse and traded up. Until I got to know Vanessa- at which point Jesse was demoted to #2...much like how my favorite beverage was Busch beer...until I discovered Sam Adams. Anyway, I spend a lot of time with these numb nuts. Needless to say I know them both very well- probably better then they know themselves. The key to having a successful relationship with both simultaneously is selective hearing. My earballs simply cant handle all the nonsense. To give you an example, as I am writing this Matt sashays over to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out an empty Coke box. Why would anyone hog refrigerator space with an empty Coke box? Jesse. What other single man would care? Matt. These two have enough issues to make even Dr. Phil's head hurt. Two words can describe both of them...overcompensation.

Matt says some really harsh shit about Jesse. What you may not know is that he says harsh shit about everyone. He hands out insults to his friends like a pedophile hands out candy on halloween. Its just who is he is. By publicly outing everyone's faults, he keeps his own faults out of the spotlight- or so he thinks. The bottom line is most of us just don't care about Matt's faults, so he is just wasting time when he could be doing something constructive , like applying self tanner to his calves to diminish that retarded rubber boot tan-line he's got going on.

And then we have Jesse. Jesse is totally overcompensating his heterosexualness. At the risk of someone, ANYONE questioning his heteroness because of this domestic partnership he peppers every conversation he has with “banging chicks”. He talks about it so much that Matt has taken it upon himself to pimp Jesse out to some lucky lady. This is just crazy. Matt knows about as much on what straight women want as Corky from life goes on does.

Together, these two are as magical as a trainwreck. Regular terms one can hear at any given moment from these fucktards are as follows...”Daddy”, “Love you”, “Hi Boo”, and “I need another drink”. And while we are on the topic of drinking...this apartment has single handedly saved no less than 13 people from alcohol poisoning. How? Because they drink so much that there is none left for anyone else.

And the fighting...oh my god, the fighting. Some of it is enertaining. Like Matt throwing Jesse's bowling trophy over the balcony because Jesse disobeyed one of Matt's house rules and wore his slanket outside of the bedroom when company was over. “I warned you Jesse!!!”...boom...over the side it goes. Some of it is bizarre- like why is there chocolate cake all over the kitchen floor? And some of it is just plain awkward- like “FUCK YOU-WE ARE DONE! DONE! I HOPE YOU DIE!” oh wait, that was Joey, not Jesse...but you get the idea.

So which blog do we believe? The bottom line is that both blogs are exaggerated to the point that they are bordering delusional. Except for Jesse and his obnoxious TV habits. Every bit of that shit is true.

Honestly??? Honestly...

What really happens in the Matt/Jesse household.

Disclaimer: The following entry has way too much vulgarity. Like to my family members, please cease and desist now. You will think less of me...are you still reading this?? The zoo is a cutthroat place and this is what I have to do to survive. The word-squeamish need not read. Reader discretion is advised.

Ok let me start by apologizing to anyone who thought this was going to have some strong/awesome/almost always correct sports opinions. As you may know, my new gay-as-fuck roommate started this stupid ass blog in which he passive-aggressively bashes everything I do and he thinks it's so fucking funny...fagtool. Some of my coworkers wanted me to start writing counterpoint blog entries so they would know what really happens and not what that fatfuck says happens. So daddy is going to give you hungry, baby birdies what you want. But just a little bit. You're welcome.

I thought I would start by asking myself the same questions that Matt asked himself in his first entry, “11 days before the move” on his blog, Manlyconfessions.blogspot.com

Why Matt?

Why the fuck not? I would have moved in with anyone because I need to save some fucking money to support my life addiction.

Do you think you will get sick of him or vice versa?

Yes.

Is Rhonda's relationship with you and her friendship with Matt gonna be weird?

I do not think so. He wont mind having her over for two and a half minutes at a time. Besides, Ill send her on her way afterwards with what appears to be “teardrops” all over her back.

Are you worried about sweating on Matt's furniture or appliances?

Not at all. That ass-pirate will probably save all the sweat in a container labeled, “Eau de Jesse: For the man who wants to smell like the most hardcore awesome motherfucker on the Earth, Jesse Thomas Santee III Esq.”, and pour the sweat all over his body while using his Sybian as he writhes in pleasurepain.

Are you going to fall for Matt's gay charms?

Well he does have pretty eyes and a sexy way about him. But if I can keep his disgusting, apple-shaped body and the overwhelming desire I have to not be buttfucked in the back of my head, I should be good.

What if the Texans and the Steelers are playing at the same time?

Well they played each other in Week 3, so I guess Ill do the same thing the Texans did to the Steelers that day...Ill put my dick in his mouth and put him in his overrated place while I watch the Texans.

He does not drink whiskey...are you concerned?

Hell no. He wont touch my shit and I wont touch his...unless I want to.

Since you guys are obviously the most fun people at the zoo, are you going to just hangout with each other and not include us?

Well Matt is the bitch who hates everybody and its kind of his place so I guess its up to him. But I dont give a shit who comes over as long as you dont drink all my whiskey, puke on and around my toilet and takeover my bed leaving me to fend for myself in the living room and the fart chair...definitely dont do that...you know who you are...

What are those noises coming from his room?

That is the sound of balls slapping chin...or other balls I guess...(god damn thats fucking sick. You're a sick fuck Matt)

If you have anymore questions or concerns, feel free to blow it out your ass.

Sincerely Yours,

Jesse

NFL Week 5: Tom Brady's Redemption

Ok guys. I can admit when I am wrong. Last week something happened that will never happen again. Haus bet against the Godking Tom Brady. Never, ever again. Forgive me Tom. I was wrong to despair. We went 3-2 last week because of my despair and my overconfidence in my Aggies in a big game. That makes us 12-8 and this week 5 have manned down and picked 4 favorites. Also, how about we celebrate Thrash getting his first when by picking the Colts. Colts?? Only from Thrash.

New Orleans (-6½) at Carolina

Stop it Cam Newton people. This is Drew the fuck Brees. Just stop.

Saints roll 37-20.

New England (-7) hosting NYJ

Forgive me Tom. From now until my death, I am your man. And I would like to apologize to all Jet fans. Hurricane Brady is my fault. Cromartie keep talking your shit. New England is going to score the high point total of the year in this game.

Pats all over the Jets, 52-30.

San Diego (-3½) at Denver

I am sure that is a misprint on betus.com. Hell I will take that all day.

Bolts 27-21.

Green Bay (-5½) at Atlanta

We all remember what happened last year in the playoffs. I am done on the Falcons this year. They do not look like the team they were last year and my boy Aaron ends their misery this Sunday.

Pack over the Falcons, 38-25.

Chicago (+5) at Detroit

Do not fret Lions fans. Ya boy Haus still loves the Lions all year. The fact of the matter is that the Bears can D up and with Matt Forte playing like he is, I think he will neutralize Suh and Fairley. The Lions have not played on Monday night since 1927. They are young. They will press. And they will lose this game outright.

Bears 24-21 over Detroit.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.

Be careful people. This has not yet happened this year. Thrash and Haus agreeing on a game??? Take that shit to the damn bank.

New England (-7) vs New York

The jets have been lucky so far, so the Patriots are looking to give them the business after they were tainted by the Bills last week.

Brady 31 Ryan 9

Suck it, Rex

2011 NFL Week 4

Who wants some winners????

GO!!!

Anyone who said they took the Bills over the Pats last week lies. All lies. We went 2-3 and are now 9-6 on the season. I have a couple dawgs this week and one super homer college game. WHOOP!!!! And of course Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week. Thrash is just as awesome as Carl at picking winners. 0-3 so sad...LOL. GO!!!

Detroit (+2) at Dallas

Are you freaking kidding me?? Look we all know Haus' disdain for anything Dallas, but stop it America. They have not been good since Michael Irvin got knocked the shit out and left the team. Are you really psyched about a team that kicked 6 field goals against the Redskins? I mean come on. The Lions D-Line is going to (and I do not like to curse and get vulgar online too often but the Cowboys bring it out of me) fuck Tony Romo up. Ndamukong Suh is going to rip his lung out of his chest through that flak jacket and eat it write there on the field. Soon after, the rest of the Cowboys, save for Martellus Bennet and Stephen McGee, are going to service him in any way he sees fit. And all the while, MY BOY Megatron Johnson well be getting every woman in JerryWorld pregnant with only one load. This manufactured respect the Cowboys get has got to stop. And the Lions are going to be the ones to do it.

The Lions will be shitting out Cowboy carcasses during lunch on Monday, so lay the points and take the Lions, 550,000,000-23.....yes......really.....Mother of God.

New Orleans (-7) at Jacksonville

Never ever ever again will I bet against Drew Brees. 7 is not enough in this game. I am not even sure who the Jags QB is. Blow....wait for it....out.\

Saints cover easily, 37-21.

Green Bay (-12) vs. Denver

Green Bay is 3-0. Aaron Rodgers has picked up right where he left off. Do not get me wrong, I love the fightin' Von Millers', but no. Stop it.

Packers roll, 42-25.

Oakland (+5) vs. New England

Everyone knows how I feel about Tom Brady. Let's face it. He is a gorgeous man. He had a bad game against the Bills last week. He went and cut his hair. New and improved. The Pats win this game late on his glorious shoulders. Despite his greatness, I might pick against the Pats for awhile ATS because of their defense. The Raiders are legit and McFadden is showing why should have won the Heisman in 2009.

McFadden goes off in a loss, but the Raiders cover, 36-32.

NCAA Football

Texas A&M (-2½) vs. Arkansas

This game is in here because my boy Richie is talking some mad shit. Hey Rookie, this is the wrong year to talk some anit-aggie shit. Last week, A&M blew a 17 point halftime dominating lead. Not again. Never again. At least this year. Ags will have double digit wins this year and this game is one of them. Arkansas is overrated at QB. And I know Alabama has a sick D, but the Hogs only rushed for 17 yards last week. Not good enough. Tannehill and Fuller bounce back big this week and the Wreckin' Crew will do what it does.

Aggies crush Arkansas, 38-25.

Thrash's Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week...

Colts (+10) at Tampa Bay

The Colts D finally steps up and stymies the unsuspecting Bucs. Colts keep their monday night streak alive without Manning...either that or the Bucs embarrass the shit out of the Colts.

Colts win outright, 20-17.

NFL Winners Week 3

Bet Your Haus!!!

Ok well we ended up going 3-2 last week thanks to Ryan Fitzpatrick channeling his inner Frank Reich against the Raiders and that makes us 7-3 on the year. So now we have week 3 upon us and ya boy, Haus likes 4 dawgs and Thrash is getting crazy in the NFC North. Only here will you get stones of that size ATS. Count it!!!

P.S. I did not bet against the Colts this week like promised.

San Francisco (+2½) over Cincinnati

I have liked the way Carlos' boy Alex Smith has looked these first two weeks. Managing the game like a 4^thround pick instead of losing the game like a first overall pick bust that people claim he is. The Bengals are bad. The Bengals are young. And evidently, every one of them is high. DAMN!!!! Frank Gore and the D give the Niners the win.

Take San Fran and lay the points, 23-20.

New England (-7) over Buffalo

I know I just compared Ryan Fitzpatrick to Frank Reich. Frank Reich was good once....in one half...against the baby blue Oilers. ESPN Classic reminds us once a week. WE GET IT!!! HOUSTON CHOKED!!!! STOP MAKING US RELIVE IT!!!! Fitzpatrick is to Reich like Brady is to Montana.

Patriots 33-23 over the Bills.

Houston (+4) over New Orleans

We all know I am from Houston. That D has looked amazing against two bad offenses. The offense is what it is. Maybe if Arian Foster was 100%, I would like them to win, but I am going to stick with my preseason thoughts of this game. Drew Brees will be Drew Brees. That defense gives after Schuab late in the dome and hold off a Texans rally.

Texans lose but cover, 30-28.

Oakland (+3) at home over New York (J)

Well the Jets cannot win every week. Everyone slips up. Nick Mangold is out. The Raiders D-Line is crazy and the Raiders can really run it. All that being said, I like the Raiders to win this game outright for no other reason that the Jets have to travel across country.

Low scoring Raiders win, 21-17.

Atlanta (1½) over Tampa Bay

Give me Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez getting points and I am going to take those points almost every time. I do not think the Bucs are quite there yet and this is supposed to be Ryan's breakout year. The Falcons cannot afford to go 1-2 to start the year after losing to the Bears in week one.

Falcons pull away late, 33-21.

And now for Thrash's, “Stone Cold Lock of the Century, of the Week.”

Detroit (-3½) at Minnesota

Look for McNabb to find his game and for Peterson to do what he does best... Crush puny humans!!

Minnesota upsets Detroit 24-10.....cuz Carl told me so...

Bet Your Haus Winners: Super Bowl Edition

Well we are 15-20 on our picks this year. I guess that is what you get for taking both underdogs in the championship games. Ahh me. Anyway now is not the time to get down. You try betting ATS and we will see what happens. Stop yelling at me!!!!! Whatever. The Super Bowl is this week and in my opinion, picking this game right will put me back at .500. I was hoping the line would move from 2½ and force my pick, but alas it has not. And if you anything about lines, 2½ is really bunk.  I know I said that I hate the Super Bowl because it means football is over but it is the biggest game of the year and I really believe that this year the best two teams in the NFL are playing in the game. Confidence is low but here it is.

Green Bay (-2½) over Pittsburgh. Like I said I was hoping the line would move. Anything over three and I would have taken the Steelers but it is stuck at 2½. And given how the last 10 Super Bowls have gone, I am not surprised. I expect a very close game with more offense than you might think. I do want want to get all football geek on you...oh wait...yes I do. Everyone is looking at what happened the last time the Packers and Steelers played which was a 37-36 shootout that the Steelers won in the final play. In that game, Aaron Rodgers threw the ball almost the whole game. (48-12 passing attempts to rushing attempts) The Steelers run defense is so stout that the Packers decided to not even try it. And it worked. The Pack effectively took Troy Polamalu out of the game by spreading the field with several wide receivers forcing him into coverage as opposed to doing whatever he wants and causing havoc all over the field. And I believe this same thing is going to happen again in this game. The difference is going to be the Packers defense. The way I see it going is like this: the Steelers are going to get the ball back down late and the Packers defense is going to win this game, just like they have all throughout the playoffs with late picks against the Eagles and the Bears and a defensive score against the Falcons. I respect Big Ben greatly, but this is Aaron Rodgers' coming out party.

Take the Packers and lay the points, Green Bay 29-26. Count it. Bet it. Out.

 

The Houston Texans and the Dichotomous Endeavor

So a friend asked me to describe the Texans year in one word after the Week 17 win over Jacksonville and I could not think of one. Of course if I had several words it would be easy. Just look at some of my previous articles and I think they can somewhat describe how the year was progressing for the Texans. But to put the season into one word is very difficult. I realize it is hard to describe a lot of teams in one word, but it would be pretty easy for most of the playoff teams. 

Like:

The Steelers = Tough.  That defense is bruising. 

The Saints = Driven.  Drew Brees will never let his team rest despite them winning the super bowl last year. 

The Patriots = Brady.  Nuff said.

The Seahawks = …..unfreakingbelievable sounds good for them.

Among others.

But for the life of me, I could not think of one word to sum up the Texans' season. I think the reason is because the season was this huge opposite clashing dichotomy that kind of had a Jekyll and Hyde quality that makes the season hard to explain.

Starting at the beginning with the win over the Colts where the Texans smoked the Colts 34-24 by rushing for over 230 yards and then beating the Redskins in Week 2 after overcoming a huge deficit and winning in overtime. They then proceeded to get to 4-2 going into their bye week and felt pretty good......until they went 2-8 to finish the season, completely one of the most dichotomous seasons that I can remember in recent history. In the first half of the season, the Texans were one of the best teams in the league while in the second half they were arguably the very worst.

The Texans offense compared to their defense is THE DEFINITION of dichotomy. The Texans were ranked 3^rd in total offense while being 30^th in total defense. Matt Schaub is 5^th in the league in passing and Arian Foster and Andre Johnson lead the league in rushing and receiving yards per game, respectively while the defense came about 250 yards from setting an NFL record in passing yards given up in one season. And to add insult to injury, they won their last game probably saving Gary Kubiak's job and moved themselves up at least three draft spots and out of the top 10 draft picks.....great.

In almost every game this year, the offensive and defensive dichotomy reared it's beautifully ugly head, which is leading me to a word I think does describe the Texans. No the word is not disappointing or sad. I wanted to say laughable or hellarious (which is a word I created to define the show “It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), but those just do not fit.  The word is nothing funny or epic or philosophical, it is just a word that I heard a bunch in my Biology and Ecology classes I took in school and a word I mentioned several times looking back at the article; Dichotomy.

2010 Houston Texans, thy name be dichotomy. I would also like to ask you, my awesome readers and subscribers, how would you describe the 2010 Houston Texans in one word. I would be interested to see your words and if you can come up with anything witty or clever. Haus out.

Week 17 Winners FTW!!!

Well we went 3-2 last week. I felt good about that San Fran game, but alas the two-headed monster that is the Smith brothers for the Niners is just too awful. And the other loss was the fighting Peyton's vs. the Raiders...oh well. We are 10-10 coming into the last week and I feel good about finishing above .500.

New England (-5) hosting Miami. I like this line a lot. The Pats never really rest their starters historically when they are locked into a playoff position. Expect Brady to play at least two quarters and I think that is all they really need. The Dolphins have an awful, awful offense along with no quarterback. I expect the Pats defense to stay in the whole game and blowout the Dolphins. So, Brady or no Brady, take New England and lay the points, 27-10.

Houston (-3) hosting Jacksonville. You have like the Texans at home against the Jaguars with a chance to keep J'ville out of the playoffs. David Gerrard and MJD are out. That should be enough for you. With the coaching turmoil going on in Houston, look for them to play big for each other and blowout the Jags. Also, Arian Foster will be going for the rushing title and I expect him to have a big game.

Texans minus the points, 31-17.

New Orleans (-7) playing host to Tampa Bay. This is dangerous pick given the fact that if the Falcons have home-field locked up, the Saints might pull their starters because they are playing at the same time. But I laugh in the face of danger, HAHAHAHA.....like that. The Saints destroyed the Bucs earlier this year in Tampa, 31-6. So even if the Falcons are beating the Panthers, I like the Saints to win this game, 28-20.

St. Louis (-3) at Seattle. While I would love to see the winner of the NFC West at 7-9 to win the division, I like the Rams in this game. Matt Hasselbeck is a game-time decision and even with him the Seahawks are terrible on both sides of the ball. Sam Bradford is playing amazing for a rookie QB and the Rams are feeling it on offense. I do not think this game will be close.

Take the Rams and lay the points, 23-17.

Cleveland (-5) hosting Pittsburgh. So I accidentally told my friend Drew to pick a game he liked and he picked this game. He likes the Browns and their defense to cover against the Steelers. I asked him why and he said, “cuz.” And if that is not a good reason, then I do not know what is. If he does well, maybe well start giving him his own stone cold lock of the century...of the week.

Browns to cover but lose, 24-21.

Sports in 2010: Great Year?

Or Greatest Ever?

From Tiger Woods to Michael Vick, Cameron Newton to Cliff Lee, from Landon Donovan to LeBron James and from the Uconn women to the San Francisco Giants, 2010 was a damn good year in sports. Everyone is calling 2010 the year of the Quarterback and I would agree. But the thing is that it has been so much more than that. It has been the year of the Pitcher and the year of Redemption. The year of the “Decision” and the year of the streak. We were super-saturated with sports this year because of the World Cup and the Winter Olympics. We did not see the greatest moment in sports history this year, but I cannot remember when we saw so many great moments all across the world of sports in one year.  I cannot remember the last time I sat on my couch with my jaw dropped because of what had just seen time and time again. 

There were six no hitters this year in the MLB, and one of them in the playoffs. The San Francisco Giants somehow won the World Series. The Lakers played in their third straight NBA Finals, winning their second in a row. LeBron James' “Decision” pretty much ruined his image. Brett Favre went from the best NFC Championship game, to retired, to coming back and ruining his image and the Vikings season. The amount of amazing stories and moments this year was staggering and to try and choose the 5 best from the year would be impossible, but saying that here goes anyway.  They are mostly football but whatever...football rules.

#5. Michael Vick. What can you say? You know the story. You know about the things he has done. Whoever thought that he would do what he is doing this year? He is playing like himself mixed with Peyton Manning and it is incredible. If you said you saw this coming, you are a dirty, dirty liar.

#4. Kyle Brotzman. Who is he? He is the place kicker for Boise St. I will remember him because of the one game against Nevada. Everyone knows what Boise St. is and whether you love or hate them, they are must see TV. That was an AMAZING game. Tied with under 15 seconds left in the game, Boise's QB Kellen Moore proceeds to throw a 54 yard bomb that somehow gets completed to the Nevada nine yard line, setting up a 26 yard chip shot field goal for one of the best kickers in the country, Kyle Brotzman.......and he missed it. Unbelievable. Then the game goes to OT and he misses a 29 yarder!!! Are you kidding me?? I sat in silence for about thirty minutes rethinking my life. So Boise loses and the rest is history. Amazing.

#3. Brett Favre's interception at the end of the NFC Championship game against the Saints. A microcosm of Favre's career. Nuff said. Un-freaking-believable.

#2. Landon Donovan's goal against Algeria in the last group game to win the group in the World Cup. With the U.S. Men level at zero with Algeria in the last group game in the World Cup and needing a win to advance, Landon Donovan and company went the length of the field with just seconds left and scored the most amazing goal in U.S. Mens Soccer history. Outstanding.

#1. Drew Brees and the Saints. The big deal for me was not the Saints winning the Super Bowl, despite their history, it was Drew Brees and his son after the game. Pictures like that are for what I live.

 

Things that almost made the Top 5:

-Butler University in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship. If Gordon Heyward's shot would have been a quarter inch to the left against Duke I would have died...that is all.

-UConn Women's Basketball winning streak. Lets face it. If their coach was not crazy I would not care...sorry ladies.

-Tiger Woods' comeback. So polarizing. You hate or love him. He is THE REASON I watch golf.

Now I do not know why we try to organize everything into years and define them as such, even though we cut off half of the NBA season and the playoffs in the NFL, but we do. So was 2010 the greatest year ever in sports? No. Was it in the top 5 in my lifetime? Maybe. All I know is that I would take 2010 over most of the years I have experienced because it seemed that every sport, professional or collegiate, had a plethora of amazing moments.  I am glad that every ball bounced the way it did and every call went the way it did.  I am happy that Heyward missed that shot and I am happy that Peyton Manning threw that interception in the Super Bowl.  Because if those things did not happen, 2010 would not have been as special as it was. 

Albert Einstein says that

Gary Kubiak is Clinically Insane

If I am looking at this situation correctly...and I would like to think that I am...Texans head coach Gary Kubiak is insane. I am tired of harping on this so I will try to keep it short and sweet. I heard something a long time ago and being a quasi-scientist or at least a man of science, this quote has defined me in my life and I think it applies to the football situation we have going on here in Houston. It was a quote from Albert Einstein regarding some experiments and observations and such and he said this, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am paraphrasing of course because it was probably said in German and of course he was talking about some actual science experiments and why would someone keep the variables of an experiment the same and expect different results...that is crazy.

Now whether you are glad the Texans lost yesterday for draft reasons or you are insulted by the slop they run out on to the field each and every week, Einstein's quote applies here so clearly. In an experiment, there are variables or parameters, some of which you change and some of which you do not in order to probe the system. Here is where the Texans fit. For the last two plus years, the Texans have been a failed experiment. Not because the experiment was a bad idea, but because the person running the experiment is a conducting it all wrong. Gary Kubiak is clearly not a scientist. If he was, then by now he would have changed a variable. He would have done something to try and get the results that he wants out of this experiment. He would have tweaked something, somewhere along the line to make things different. Alas, he has not changed anything. He has ran the same junk out onto the field for the last two years expecting different results. Expecting different things to happen than what always does end up happening...which is the Texans find some spectacular way to lose but it is always close and then coaches, players and fans make a bunch of excuses to why Kubiak is good, bad or ugly or whatever...gouge my eyes out.

So going back to Einstein's insanity theory, I am here to present this idea. Albert Einstein and I believe that Gary Kubiak is clinically insane. And let me tell you, the last thing an insane person needs to be doing is running an NFL franchise...along with any kind of food handling and being a door to door knife salesmen. He is the reason this experiment has failed. He is the problem. He is the kid that repeatedly touches the hot stove over and over again despite the fact that it keeps burning him. Try to imagine what is going on in his head. Honestly, I want you to try to imagine it. Try to comprehend it. It must be euphoric. Being so sure that you changed something when clearly you have not. Being so sure that things will be different even though nothing has changed. Knowing that putting the same thing will yield different results every time. You cannot comprehend it because you are not insane. And if you can see Kubiak's point of view, seek help because you are a danger to yourself and the community.

I am disturbed that none of the thousands of psychologists in this country have noticed that a rabidly insane man is allowed to do what Gary Kubiak is doing. Gary needs to be apprehended and attended to by the right people. Someone please contact the proper authorities before he hurts himself or God forbid...me...

Tom Brady is Hawt!!! (but not like that...)

Yeah, maybe I have a man-crush on Tom Brady. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Deep down all men do. If you say you do not, you are lying. And if you say you are not lying...you are lying. After this beatdown the Patriots are currently putting on the Bears, Brady is going to be the clear cut MVP frontrunner and there is no argument for anyone else. What he has done this year is currently unmatched and it is uncanny how he continues to win despite the turnover in the Patriots organization. 

 

Sorry, I digress. I wanted to talk about how good the Patriots are as a whole but I just got lost in Tom's eyes, as snow flurries in Chicago outline the defined curves of his firm, yet gentle and precise body. Powerful but understanding mind and....whoa I just lost consciousness and kept typing. I am very sorry. It will not happen again...

OK. Here we go. I am going to try to explain to you why the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl, without mentioning his name, even though that might be a futile effort. I always try to look at who a team has beat, where they beat them and in what conditions. And the Patriots are going to end up with the best record in the AFC while playing one of the toughest schedules. That is a recipe for playoff success. Their young defense, which was thought to be their weakness this year has been looking like the 1985 Bears. Bill Belichick's defense schemes and ideas are second to none. Belichick is arguably one of the greatest head coaches ever and he gets even better in the playoffs (15-4). He continues to make average players look elite year in and year out, with his methodical and aggressive game plans. He is the biggest reason why the Patriots are who they are. 

 

And I did not even mention the fact that the Pats are going to have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs, and that Tom Brady has not lost a home start since like 1873 or something (well I tried not to mention him but alas, I could not help myself). 

 

All I am saying is this: pay attention to what is going on in New England right now. I am saddened that I did not get to experience what it was like during the Steelers dynasty in the 1970s or the 49ers' dominance in the 1980s. And whether I liked it or not, the Cowboys in the 1990s were one of the greatest teams in the history of the NFL and they were must see TV. What the Patriots have done the last ten years and are continuing to do now is something you are going to want to remember because this kind of greatness does not happen often. This current Patriots team is a dynasty if you were having trouble figuring it out and you need to pay attention because this is what every team in the NFL is striving to be.

P.S. Te amo, Tom...

NFL Head Coaches Gone Wild...but Mostly Just Gone

Yesterday yet another head coach was fired in the NFL. The victim's name was Josh McDaniels. He was last seen illegally taping the 49ers walk-through before a game in London, and just after that, being awful at coaching. Including that 49ers game, he has lost 17 of the last 20 regular season games. He is the third head coach fired this year including Wade Phillips and Brad Childress. I am simply asking... why are those teams so lucky? How come the Texans feel the need to keep their head coach? The Texans fit right in with the Cowboys, Vikings and Broncos, who all had very high expectations this year. In fact, a lot of people had the Cowboys or the Vikings in the Super Bowl and they have both fired their head coaches.

Well, high expectations for the Broncos might have been a little misplaced, but if they are firing their coach when their expectations were not as high as the Texans, why in the hell do we still have Gary Kubiak? Some people are saying that Kubiak is still around because of the contract he just signed before the year. But honestly, contracts in sports are broken all the time so who gives a flying crap about that. If people are going to keep calling the NFL a business that just happens to be a game, then loyalty and honesty mean squadoosh.

Now Texans Super Bowl aspirations this year might have been far-fetched but this team should have been in the playoffs. And barring a bunch of scenarios and crazy tie-breakers, the Texans are going to be on the outside looking in once again. Why does it seem that the Texans, and Houston as a whole for that matter, are being held to a lower standard? Should we not expect the same thing out of our teams? McDaniels got fired and he was not even the coach for more than two years. Until Houston starts holding people accountable for sucking, we are going to continue to come up short every year. Now I realize I am beating a dead horse. Believe me I do not want to be beating this horse. This horse has been dead for two years...just a huge dead horse...and I hate this horse...it's the smell.

Look, coaches coach and players play. We cannot fire our players. But we can get rid of the person that puts the players in the wrong places. That person is Gary Kubiak. Huge dead horse...It is time to give someone else a chance with this team. People of Houston hear me, cheer for the Ravens come Monday night. Only a beatdown by the Ravens on national TV on Monday Night Football is going to make the Texans ownership see the light. Out.

7-9 "Winners": How the NFC West Was Won

For those of you who turned on Monday night football expecting to see a close, well executed NFC West game, I am so very sorry. Whereas I watch as much football as I can, hopefully you did not stay up watching the penalized riddled, middle school football game that was the 49ers-Cardinals game. ESPN and the NFL sent out apologies on their websites after the game......well they did not, but they should. 
 

Now I do not want to sit here and just rag on the Niners and Cardinals or the entire NFC West (San Francisco, Seattle, Arizona and St. Louis) for that matter... but yea... that is what I am going to do anyway. And before any goes off on me about me being from Houston, understand this, every team in the NFC West would be in last place in every other division in the league. For the last two years, the Cardinals have made the playoffs on accident with records of 9-7 and 10-6. And now that their Hall of Fame QB is gone, they are going to finish well below .500. Moreover, there is a very real chance that the winner of the division is going to finish at 7-9. For those of you who do not know the playoff structure in the NFL, each conference gets 6 teams in the playoffs (4 from each of the division winners and two wildcard teams which have the next best records respectively.) Currently, the Rams and Seahawks are tied at the top with 5-6 records, followed by the 49ers at 4-7 and Cardinals at 3-8. This is the problem with the current playoff structure in the NFL. One of these teams is going to represent the NFL in the playoffs, leaving out teams that might have a record two games better, in a more difficult division.

Yes the Texans were left out last year due to a tiebreaker with the Jets, along with two other 9-7 teams. This is not the point. And I am not upset about the Texans being left out. And also, this is not like Boise St. or TCU playing for the BCS National Championship. This would be like Indiana playing for the championship. An atrocity. Something needs to be done in the NFL when years like this occur. It does not happen that often but it could be fixed with a simple 8-8 rule or something like that. Some radical people would just do away with divisions for good, but I think that is a bad idea. Divisions make for great rivalries and give different cultures to different regions of the country. However, a 7-9 division winner has no place in the playoffs when there are teams like Tampa Bay and New York that might get left out of the NFC Playoffs with 10-6 or 9-7 records. Not only would the team that drew the NFC West winner in the playoffs have an advantage in the wildcard round, the team with the bye would not get the full advantage of a bye, having to play a team that had a tough battle the week before.

I implore the NFL to do something about this if the NFC winner ends up at 7-9. There is no reason to allow a team that cannot win at least half of their games. NFL fans are more devoted and smarter than ever. Please do not insult their intelligence by letting some bush league team in over another that truly deserves it.

Cortland Finnegan and the Bear Poking Exhibition

These four things I know are true: Alexander conquered the Persians, nothing is sweeter than summer rain, every DeLorean can travel through time and you do not pick fight with someone who can beat your ass. Andre Johnson, if he wanted to, could probably run through the UFC and Cortland Finnegan decided to, as the title suggests, poke the bear a little too much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMMJBVXTIHA
 
During a 20-0 blowout, Titans corner back Cortland Finnegan was constantly yapping and talking junk like he could not see the scoreboard. Like he could not see that the man he had been defending the entire game had pwned him once again. At the time of the fight, Andre Johnson had 9 receptions and a TD. Numbers like that are common when Johnson goes up against Finnegan. However, this time the battle continued well after the play. Finnegan like the punk he is, instead of taking his whooping like a man, started to chirp and yap. Things escalated during a couple of running plays in the 4^th quarter while Johnson was blocking and spilled over after a run that was not even on their side of the field and BOOM!! Johnson started smoking fools and lighting up chumps. By all accounts Andre Johnson is the nicest, quietest guy in the league. The exception to the diva wide receiver rule which has infected the NFL. But every man has that point when it is time to go. Finnegan got a cheap shot to the face on him and that was the line. Johnson sees Finnegan twice a year and has to deal with this coward of a person who would rather make a name for himself by trash-talking and not having good, solid play on the field. And Finnegan like the punk he is, backed up that cowardly performance by hitting Andre Johnson's right fist with his face a couple times. Clearly Johnson lost his cool. He felt bad for what happened because he knows that is not him and he apologized after the game.

I have been harping for at least a year for someone on the Texans to step-up and take control and leadership of this team. And leave it to the douche Cortland Finnegan to simultaneously be exactly what the Texans did and did not need. He provided a release valve for a frustrated team and hopefully rallied the Texans behind Andre Johnson who needs to take control of this team. Unfortunately, the Texans play in Philadelphia on Thursday and Johnson might be suspended by the league for that game. Ask anyone in the league if Finnegan got what he had coming and they would say yes. Most people also think Johnson should not be suspended and 20 years ago that would not even be questioned. It is just an unfortunate situation.

Should he be suspended? No. Will he be suspended? I do not know. I do know that if Richard Seymour did not get suspended for punching Ben Roethlisberger last week, Johnson should not be suspended for putting a punk in his place. Hopefully the league will take Johnson's record and personality into account when they decide because while I loved the fire, I would rather see Andre burning up the Eagles on Thursday.

Michael Vick for M.V.P.????

   Yes those are questions marks in the title. The question marks are there because I would like to question the statement before it. Never have I seen NFL fans become so reactionary over one game. Never have I seen fans want something to happen so badly. Maybe that is just the nature of our society. We forgive and forget and want underdogs to succeed and in Vicks case, be redeemed. Yes Michael Vick beat the Redskins two Mondays ago. Yes he beat them bad. He beat them very bad...like really bad. If you did not see it, Vick went left, the 'skins went right, then the game was over. A simple 85 yd flick to begin the game and it was over. But when you get down to it, he beat a bad team on a bad day.

   The problem with Michael Vick giving the M.V.P. is that he is not even in second in the M.V.P. voting. Since that game, people everywhere have been handing the M.V.P. to him like Philip Rivers did not exist. And I would argue that Tom Brady would finish second in the voting right now. If your tallest receiver is Wes Welker and you rely on a 6-yr old boy named Danny Woodhead, game in and game out and you are still 9-2, you get the M.V.P......uhh if Rivers was not doing what he is doing. I could sit here and spew out a bunch of stats but I will not. We all know Rivers is going to break Marino's season yardage record. And once again, he has started a late season run right on cue. He is doing more with nothing. And him and that nothing are going to come back and win the revived AFC West. If you could name the receivers the Chargers were going to have other than Malcolm Floyd, Antonio Gates and Vincent Jackson before the season started, I would have slapped yo mama in the face for raising a liar. What makes Rivers' year so great is that Gates has missed the last several games with injury, Jackson was a hold out and is going to play his first game this week and on top of it all, the Chargers first round draft pick Ryan Mathews has been injured most of the season and they have been relying on undersized Darren Sproles and someone named Mike Tolbert to run the ball. (Incidentally, if you cut Tolbert in half, you would get two Darren Sproles) I still do not know who their receivers are. One of them is a TUTU or something??

   The lesson is this: we again need to separate what we want to happen from what is happening. Look, I am a football fan. I am a Michael Vick fan. I want him to be redeemed and to succeed just has much as the next guy, but that does not mean we can just ignore other greatness. The fact of the matter is that he missed three games but the Eagles still managed without him. In fact Kevin Kolb, the real starter, won two of those games. So you wonder how much of it was Vick and how much of it was really head coach Andy Reid. And the head coaching position is another point in Rivers' favor with the wailing idiot he has coaching him. Michael Vick has been very good this year, and who knows, maybe he will blow us all away these last six weeks and move in front of Rivers and Brady. But given how the Pats and Chargers play in December and January, do not count on it.

  As for my humble M.V.P. picks,

1. Philip Rivers. On top of all the stats and injured teammates, his team is in prime position for a division win
2. Tom Brady. What can I say. Year in and year out he wins. If he did not have Bill Belichick as head coach, he would be number one.
3. Michael Vick. You have seen the tape. You know what he can do. If he can do what he did to the Redskins a couple of more times, he might jump up the list.